Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
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i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.