Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.