Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop