sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit