Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.