Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
huge if true: the moon
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive