Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.