Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
bias laundering edition
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears