Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

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Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.


Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.


It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.


A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.


me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out


“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“So I can make a stupid joke”


A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.


its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor


DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money