Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]