Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie