Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht