Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…