Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Spell check is for lasers.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Simple
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Cool shirt 🙂
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.