Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.