Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
You Might Also Like
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
what’s more important?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
That earthquake could have been an email.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.