Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.