Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
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Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
