Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down