Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.