Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
seems like a niche market
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…