Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…