Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
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– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Hell yeah 👍
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*