Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
You Might Also Like
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”