Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

Just why bro?!

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk