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I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
me linking you to my twitter
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm