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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
my nickname in college
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*