Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
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Important reminders
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Me redecorating every room in my mind