Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home