Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?