Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
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Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.