Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

My dog ate my work from home.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”