Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
This is my brand.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
This raises questions
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S