Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
it be like that
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”