Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.