Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.