Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

🤣🤣🤣

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

Oh no

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.