Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes