@primawesome

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

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@thedad

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

@LlamaInaTux

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

@Dave_in_SoPo

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

@RidiculousSheri

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

@ThugRaccoons

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

@jonnysun

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

@jellybnbonanza

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

@1Happytwit

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.