Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.