Sorry I'm late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Apes stopped waving at us ever since they found out we evolved from them

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

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