@primawesome

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

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@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@iRowlf

Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.

@Tmoney68

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

@markpopham

i think a lot about how flasks became a really popular gift for men right at the point when if you were hanging out with a guy and he pulled out a flask and drank from it you’d be like “oh this guy has a problem”

@3sunzzz

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

@EllaZee5

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@JeremyKCMO

I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.

“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”