Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.