Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

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Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.


Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.


“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….


i think a lot about how flasks became a really popular gift for men right at the point when if you were hanging out with a guy and he pulled out a flask and drank from it you’d be like “oh this guy has a problem”


I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.


The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.


Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.

“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”