Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My Guy
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.