Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?