Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?