Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave