Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
You Might Also Like
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
you will never know the true number of layers
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either