Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
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Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides