Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
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If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
The Eggorcist
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.