Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Europe. Made in Germany.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
👍
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*