Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?