Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

this is a sign that you need a union

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer