Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
my lower back watching me try to live my life
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My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Mornin
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!