Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.