Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

ㅤ

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”