“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
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At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.