sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
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Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”