Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.