Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.