Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
accurate
