Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

#StillHurts

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.