Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Things will get butter, keep churning
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try