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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom