Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

A wise man once said nothing.

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

just pretend nothing happened

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.