Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Real 😅
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.