Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
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Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
