Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time