Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.