“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate