Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops